A little bit of this...

Life Back.

2008-10-17T06:12:00.000-07:00

For some reason I was convinced that at a certain point my weight loss would just cease. And it would cease before I wanted it to. In fact, I guessed that 230 or so would be my set point for awhile. I'm wrong, and I'm glad.

It has taken a long time to get to just "here." I'm still overweight, and that's frustrating, because you realize how much weight you needed to lose to begin with, b/c dammit, you've lost a lot already. But it's also a sweet moment, b/c I've never been this little in my memory. I've always been climbing the charts. Now, I'm surprising myself with every turn.

A quick shopping trip at Target blew me away when I realized after months of wearing clothes that were actually too big for me, that I'm no longer wearing a size precluded by a "2". I'm in 16/18 pants, and this is unbelievable. My "goal dress" fits, and is loose-ish. I wonder why I didn't set my goal lower, and I know now it's b/c I never thought I'd achieve anything better than that.

I'm also dropping very very quickly lately. A combination of nerves, and a heavy emphasis on lean protein and fruits and veggies have served to expedite my pound droppage, and I've lost a little over 10 pounds in about two weeks or so. For the month, that should be almost 18 pounds. I haven't lost that much weight since the first month or so.

I wonder inside when my body will know it's time to stop. If it will stop successfully, or whether I'll need to really work to eat more, denser caloric value foods.

No matter, because I'm 50 pounds from that day. And friends, I'm staring at that number. Only 50 pounds? ONLY? 50? Fifty lbs? What? Whatever happened to 170? How did this happen? I think it happened a moment at a time.

Today was a wow moment. I was walking into my office, wearing my badass size 18 jeans-so cute-and my new Michigan, super cozy hoodie. Makeup perfectly done, sassy new do, and I saw myself in the mirror and I was content. Oh, yes...I want to keep plodding away, but I mean, by God, I could handle the truth. I see myself and I feel rather skinny. (*laugh*) I know, I'm not. But, I also see where I'm headed and I'm just all "wow" about it.

I pray to the God in heaven that this mystery and this beauty of reclaiming who you are never leaves me and I never leave it. May I never take for granted a single second of acceptance and health and vitality because I could be on my way to dead right now had this course not been taken.

I want to fall to the ground in utter gratitude. I have my life back.

A tornado

2008-10-14T05:58:00.000-07:00

Well, the amusement park was great. I road all rides successfully and with no physical duress. *clap, clap*

I wish I had strength and energy to go into how fun and great and lovely it was, but my heart is hurting today. I've had "a weekend." It was wonderful at times, and then, with an edge sharp and slicing, it cut deeply.

Without going into many details, a relationship I hold dear is falling apart, and crumbling. It will not likely survive.

Since this blog is primarily about my efforts to lose weight, eat healthy and live strong...I'll address how this crumbling relationship, this intense stress, and emotional upheaval affects a woman living post wls.

In this past week, I've lost ten pounds. I'm not sure I've lost that much weight in one week since the beginning of my weigh loss journey. It's not a healthy weight loss, and while any weight I lose makes me happy, this one doesn't have as much excitement attached to it. I've lost weight because I haven't been able to force myself to eat. I've been too full of anxiety and tumult to really know how to feed myself.

I know that I am different now. I am not like the rest of America in that my nutrition has a daily impact on how healthy I will be in the rest of my life. I am disturbed by the fact that I have probably not hit even half of my daily protein goals all week. Muscle wasting!?! Maybe. I've also been distracted and on more than a few occasions, forgot my vitamins. This too is a big no no.

Realistically, we all know that sometimes a little rain will fall into our lives, and that is ok. The sun will shine again. However, it's imperative that I and anyone else living lives like our own accepts that just like breathing, we have to do some things without fail, ever day. We must drink our water, eat our protein, take our vitamins and thank Jesus for new beginnings.

I'm learning that even a tornado can't destroy a foundation. So, I'm holding on to my foundations....and then I will pick up the pieces.

Anxiety

2008-10-03T12:33:00.000-07:00

Well, tomorrow is the big day. A little caravan of folksies, including me, my hubs, my gal pal, and another friend is headed to Sandusky to ride the rides at Cedar Point amusement park. I've passed the 100 pounds lost threshold, and will be thusly rewarded with a day getting sick to my stomach, and whirling around on mechanical cars.

Here's the thing though...I'm still kinda terrified that my large ass won't fit in the seats. And, perhaps the seat belts won't buckle. AND, what if my big fat tummy insists on making it impossible for the lap bar to come down? I mean, I'm still overweight. I'm still obese according to the BMI charts! I'm barely fitting in the teen sizes and I'm sliding by a tiny margin into 229 lbs. GAH!

It's not that it would devastate me to have to miss out on a couple coasters, but I'm envisioning pain and agony trying to squeeze myself into every ride.

My vision of how much I weigh, and how large I am seems to be doing the opposite of what my body is really doing. The smaller I get, the larger I feel. I probably wouldn't have thought too much about it at a larger weight, but now? I'm paranoid and terrified. Not to mention, Cedar Point seems to be notorious about prohibiting larger riders from tight fits...oh the agony.

Have I come this far only to be rejected because of my size again? I guess I'll let you know tomorrow when I get home...pray for me, peeps. I need to have some victory here.

always changing

2008-09-30T06:21:00.000-07:00

Our bodies are always doing new and surprising things to us it seems. For instance, just last night, for the first time, my tummy gurgled. I haven't heard or felt a gurgle in nine months, but now, it's nonstop! All last night and into this morning I'm all rumbling and gurgling and what not.

I'm not sure if it's hunger ( I hope not! ) or just gas or what, but it's like, "hey! what are you doing in there?!"

It is reminding me that all things change, and with time, this phase I'm in will pass, and I'll have to rely on something stronger than just my lack of hunger or small pouch for strength to make the right choices.

I'll have to rely on me.

Kiss it.

2008-09-28T09:05:00.000-07:00

I've been growing increasingly grumpy with my weight loss pause (and I've had quite a few of them thus far). In this health quest sentence, this particular pause is driving me batty. I'm reaching the point where I fully realize, I could be content forever at this stage. It's not, in my opinion, dramatically overweight. It's not "stand out in a crowd" obese. It's merely plump, and it's an easy place to stay. It's comfortable and it's the thinnest I've ever been as an adult, so it's exciting and novel.

But it's not best.

Thus, cue the grumpies. I am quite amazed with my transformation when I look at pictures, but when I look at myself in the mirror, I only see potential. I'd never seen potential before! I only saw fat. And perma-fat at that. I didn't believe I could lose weight, so I never really tried for it. Now that I see healthy living as a lifestyle and weight loss as a reality, status quo simply doesn't do it for me anymore. So, it seems each time I step on the scale with small changes, I get mad. I get angry, and I get motivated.

I've been tracking my calories, examining my diet and hunting down new and exciting ways to add more protein to my plate. Not to mention? This girl who hates to exercise is finally breaking a sweat. (Thank you to the Planet Fitness genius's who make it affordable AND provide endless channels of mindless tv to watch while I huff and puff)

Ya see, I've NEVER been the type that really wanted to be thin. I've always liked Kate Winslet with her winsome curves, and that darling Ricki Lake in her healthy hay day. Give me Queen Latifah over that skinny girl from the movie "crash" any day of the week. But I'm going to have to be the first to admit it...the closer I get to goal, the further the option gets of staying in the same place. My hunger for it grows and the thirst intensifies! I was under the impression that the closer my goal got, the more content I'd be. Farther from the truth that could not be!

So, I've lost about 100, and I've got about 60ish to go. And I know unwaveringly that the next 60 are going to be HARD. They are going to be way hard. They are going to make the first 100 look like a piece of cake. But I'm baring down, narrowing my eyes, growling at, and calling out those next 60. They're days are numbered and they're ticket is almost up. I feel like I'm telling those extra pounds to meet me outside in the back of the school yard at three o'clock for a fight. Yeah, it's dumb, but it's personal. (I also watched dirty harry yesterday so I'm feeling rather combative! than you clint.)

I want to thank those first 100 pounds though for giving me the motivation to tackle the next 60. As any good WLS patient knows...eventually the honeymoon period ends, and you realize this is your show now. It's yours to win or to lose. Gone are the days when a couple bites would fill me up beyond comfort. I can eat a "normal sized portion" just like anyone else. No more, but certainly up to that. And gone are the days when I could trust my pouch capacity to do the work for me.

Oh no. Now it's me and what I've learned. And I'm okay with that. I still have my tool, and it'll keep working for me as long as I keep working hard for it. You girls who are living this stage of WLS know what I mean. It gave us the boost we need to make the next thirty or forty years wonderful and filled with healthy and right choices that we made for ourselves (and not because our new pouches made them for us.)

So, 233. You can kiss it, cause I don't plan to see your ugly mug around much longer.

Indulgences

2008-09-24T14:12:00.000-07:00

Today, someone asked me "what's the stuff you can't give up? the stuff you have to have?"

In regards to losing weight, and eating healthy, I don't feel like I've given up a lot. I know that's a patsy answer, and some people would stomp me for such a pollyanna response, but to completely authentic with you, I feel like I've gotten SO much more out of my new lifestyle than I've lost, so it's hard to answer.

As I wrote earlier, I do miss the spice cakes, and the apple muffins and the cinnamon creme doughnuts, but it's just for a few months...then all is moderately well again.

However, there are a few things I can't give up.

Coffee. I cannot abide the notion of living in a world without my morning, and evening cuppa joe. When the time comes for mike and I to try and create us a little Huffster, I know I'm going to have to scale waaaay back on the caffeine, and I see that posing no small challenge, since I'm honest to goodness addicted to my java juice. I love it. I told my surgeon "the only thing barring me from having this surgery is having you tell me I'll never be able to drink coffee again." I was mostly joking, but it would have been hard. Luckily, he's of the camp that says "drink some, drink more water." I would shiver if I had one of those surgeons nazi's that said NO COFFEE FOR YOU!

Sugar free Red Bull. Again, feeds into my obvious addiction to caffeine. I love it. Luckily it's a low carbonation beverage, so the bubbles don't upset the pouch.

fruit. Okay, all you overcrazed and lunatic low carbers. I'm calling you out RIGHT NOW! If you really think I'm gonna stop eating my apples and nanas just to lose a quick pound or two, you're wonky. I knew that in order to lose weight and correct my messed up metabolism, I'd have to give up a lot of cookies, candies, cakes and crap. I'd have to eliminate all the sickening refined flours and enriched yuckiness that I was feeding my body. But, I knew from day one that I would never eliminate fruit from my diet just to shed pounds more quickly. Granted, there are days when I know I need to cut back on my fruit intake, since two-three bananas a day is probably not good for me in this stage of the game. However, you better believe that when I hit goal and start the maintaining life style, I will for sure be doing my part to kill the scurvy and down the berries!

and finally, I shall never give up butter/cream/dairy. Some people are hard-core and they don't do butter or cream or any kind of dairy product because of the fattening aspects of it all, but I'm about moderation, and Paula Deen wasn't my mother so I know how to NOT use a stick of butter in cooking. When I bake my tilapia, I pour on the lemon-pepper seasoning and yes, why yes I do add a small pat of butter to it for taste. And...it tastes great.

all that to simply remind myself and others that living healthy means something totally different to me now than it did pre-surgery. It means getting more than I was before, and not missing what I'm missing.

Here's to all those delightfully delicious indulgences like baked apples with splenda and cinnamon. Seared halibut and asparagus. prime rib and sweet potato. Living the good life tastes fabulous!

Pounds happier

2008-09-23T22:10:00.000-07:00

I can't sleep. My eyes are constantly tearing. My nose is constantly running. And my head is throbbing. Oh, and the nose? It's not a thick clogged up thing. It's a watery thing, wherein if I bend over slightly, my nose resembles a faucet, and you follow me, I'm sure.

Since I'm up late with nothing but my cinnabon flavored decaf coffee to keep my company (in my super cute starbucks "coffee in every language" mug) I thought I'd take this time to do a little pictoral comparison. Cause Meg did, and I thought 100 pounds lost deserves a little before and after. Shall we?

Click on the images to enlarge them.

the day of my WL surgery. My absolute highest weight of 333 pounds.

I know this is an odd picture, but it is one of the only full body shots I have. forgive the random weirdness of the other people. I'm on the front left, as if you couldn't tell.

These are from our Mission trip to Ukraine, which happened to occur almost exactly one year ago.

One year ago...this was me. :)

Now, one year later...this is me. Give or take a hundred pounds.

I wish I could thank each person individually who supported me in this journey, but I'll have to settle for a blanket "thank you" and trying to snag each moment of gratitude as it comes. For without a doubt, no man is an island, and we do none of this alone. We do indeed get by with a little help from our friends!

Some days, when I get discouraged, I think I'll take a wander over to this post and see how far I've come instead of lamenting on how far I have to go still. I'm over halfway to my goal! I've got roads to travel and pounds to shed, but I'm so much healthier and pounds and pounds happier.

Tis the season...

2008-09-23T16:21:00.000-07:00

...for cinnamon, apples, and pumpkins oh my!

There's nothing that pleases me more in recent days than taking a stroll through our local fresh food markets and eyeing the seasonal goods. I have two little fresh food markets in the area that I go to when I'm a little looser with the budget and can afford to buy the best of the best. Today was just such a day.

And as it is nearing October, you can bet that the most prominent displays have everything to do with autumnal fruits and veggies and spices, which are, in my humble opinion, decadent.

Before I really started pursuing healthier living, apples were not a daily part of my nutritional makeup. Currently, I strive to not eat more than one apple a day. It is like pulling teeth to get me to stop eating apples. I could live on apples. YUM. And then there's the pretty little pomegranate which can be oh so mysterious when it comes to eating it, and the yummy pear, which is more a winter fruit, but is making appearances now too.

Don't even get me started on the spices. I will start to stroke out when I inhale mulling spices; cinnamon, nutmeg, cloves, cardamon, and the list goes on. It's just so darn delicious, all of it.

The hardest part about healthy eating and living is when you want to indulge in those seasonal delights like pumpkin creme dessert breads or spice cake with cream cheese apple dumpling frosting. It's just ridiculous the way that a pastry can render you dumbstruck.

I found myself in a difficult situation at the market today. I was really really REALLY struggling with my dietary limitations. I was lapping the store, only to come back each time to the fresh baked desserts, and maybe hoping each time I passed the carrot cake that my body would be able to have a slice this time around. No such luck. I chose my path, and I'm grateful. Because I am able...able...ABLE to say "no." But I'll admit it. Today it was harder than it ever has been. It was harder because this is the time of year I live for. It's the place I'm most comfortable and most in my bliss. It's autumn, and it's apples and allspice, baby. So, it was really hard to not be able to partake of those sugar laden lovelies.

But I digress. Because my point isn't what I'm missing out on. It's what I'm really indulging in. As I stood there salivating over all the things I knew I didn't really want, I started to consider my options. What could I have? What was it that I really wanted?

I wanted a taste of October. I needed a fix of fall.

So, I marched up to the coffee grinder and started grinding out "pumpkin spice" flavored coffee, and bagged it for home. I then proceeded to head to the cereal aisle and grabbed some "low sugar" apple walnut granola. I noticed some baked apple crisps as I headed towards the checkout so I grabbed those too. And to round it out, I bought some canned pumpkin so I can make that recipe of sugar free pumpkin pudding that's been sitting on my desk at home for a week. These are my options, and these are my fixes. And I'm not missing out on anything.

I guess I need to face up to the fact that I always have been and probably always will be dominated by concerns regarding my weight, and food and exercise, and etc. I thought this might change things...you know, having WLS, but in fact it's only intensified my awareness of food. But it's much more beneficial for me in that I finally grasp what I'm putting in my body, and how it affects my health. It's a good thing.

I don't want to live my life, lusting after the perversions of real, true, honest to goodness, whole healthy foods. Stuff that has more ingredients with words I can't pronounce. Like Xanthum gum. What IS that? I want to enjoy the fruits of October without feeling like I'm missing out, and that just means putting in a little extra effort and working a little harder. Kinda like our forefathers did when they made thanksgiving dinner. No boxes. No additives. No preservatives. Okay, except for the meat and pickles. :)

But really, it's going to be a great fall, and a beautiful winter. Because I'm in control of the harvest this time. I'm in control of the bounty. Tis the season, indeed.

*cough, cough.

2008-09-23T07:03:00.000-07:00

I've been sick the past three or four days, and have thusly reverted back to the very bad habit of snacking.

Mike really loves his chocolate, and his snack foods, and I have been doing my best to keep them out of the house, but you can only deprive yourself of so much before you start to rebel. Mike was starting to rebel.

Yesterday, while I was holed up and illin', I don't think I had one real meal! It was a little bit of this, a little bit of that, and a whole lotta pretzel sticks. No good.

However, I try to remain positive and remind myself that it's all a learning experience. I saw old wicked habits in those hours of snacking, and it scared me straight. I'm back on schedule with my three meals and three snacks daily. Sticking on this kind of regime will help me meet me goals, and move past this mini-stall I'm experiencing.

Saturday, I worked out so hard that here it is on Tuesday and I'm still hurting! I need to learn to moderate, sister.

On the upside, It's fall time, and this means delicious fall recipes like hearty meat soups, and spices from the pumpkin patches. I'm hoping to try a new recipe each week for a few months to add more variety into my diet. It's become delightful fun to cook more and more varied menu items. I hope Mike is enjoying it, but somehow I don't think he loves it when I bust out the lentils.

Later on, I'll post a DELICIOUS recipe for Lentils and Rice that I've come to adore.

I love food.

2008-09-20T10:27:00.000-07:00

Since having surgery, my relationship with food has changed in a lot of interesting ways. In the beginning, food was utilitarian. Because my pouch was so small and so sensitive, I ate what I had to eat in order to survive and had little interest in much else.

Then, I started trepidatiously experimenting with what I could eat rather than what I had to eat. I reintroduced many foods back into my diet that brought me pleasure and foods that were nutritious, but also tasteful.

Now, I am a foodaphile. Funny to me, since I eat a dramatically reduced amount, but I adore food. I LOVE finding new recipes. I have so much fun throwing together new dishes in the kitchen. It's like I finally realized that food was more than just something I did to satisfy an emotional itch or fill a void. Food is meant to be experienced. It's a pleasurable and fabulous world of tastes, smells, and sights.

I think the french have it down. From the preperation, to the inhalation to the taste and touch, they are sensualists who relish in their cuisine. Now, as a woman who finds herself shrinking and eating less and eating healthier, I am SO delighted to say that my cuisine is important to me, but in new and better ways.

I will always always love food. Now, I can say it's not an abusive relationship. We're well on our way to harmonious living.

Up late.

2008-09-18T20:42:00.002-07:00

It's almost midnight which is so very late for me (when I'm not experiencing a bout with insomnia) and I'm reflecting over the delightfulness that is the contents of my fridge. It's so clean and healthy and yummy in that cold white box and it's come a long way in a short time.

Gone are the days of sugary sodas. Passe is the processed leftovers of yesteryear. Vanished are the high sodium and salt ridden soups that puckered my arteries.

We live high on the healthy hog now.

I love that our fridge always has fresh produce in it...tomatoes, zucchini, squash, cucumbers, chives, onions, apples, blueberries, watermelon. I adore that our pantry has exchanged refined carbohydrates for complex carbs and multigrain options like brown rice, barley, wheat pastas, 12 grain breads, oatmeal and wheat flour. I feel lighter now that we are snacking on no sugar gelatin, no sugar puddings, frozen juice pops, edamame and hummus and pita.

I check every label. I scan the ingredients. I don't let any artificial additive or sugar filled piece of crap get by my gate anymore.

And as a result, my headaches are fewer. My backaches are gone. I don't drag out of bed, I pop out of bed. I make it through to the end of the day, and then some with energy to spare.

I've decided that it's all true what they say about sugar and processed foods. I'd be lying if I said it was all roses and daisies, this process. But man...you ARE what you eat.

So I'm up late, and I'm not doing anything very special other than feeling mighty content and awfully grateful.

Babies. Guns. and Jesus.

2008-09-18T20:42:00.001-07:00

So, one of my favorite photographic muses posted this today, and she is selling these:

All the money goes to support "the candidate that would wear this shirt" as she delicately puts it!

You will soon enough see me sportin' one of these babies in a picture post. Just a few more weeks and we'll all be "rockin' the vote!" See you at the polls!

Kiss me.

2008-09-18T08:41:00.000-07:00

I really love garlic. I love it so darn much, that I'm just about out of my gourd excited about learning how to roast garlic. If you've never roasted garlic, then you have no idea about what it means to have pure joy coursing over your tongue. I finally learned how to roast garlic, and it is SO much better than the stuff you get pre-made or out of a jar.

May I share?!

How to Roast Garlic

1. preheat your oven to 400 degrees

2. peel away the outer layers of the garlic bulb skin, leaving the skins of the individual cloves intact. Using a knife, cut off 1/4 to 1/2 inch off the top of the cloves, exposing the individual cloves of garlic.

3. Place the garlic heads in a baking pan; muffin pans work well for this as well. Drizzle a couple teaspoons of olive oil over each head, using your fingers to ensure the head is well coated. Cover with foil.

4. Bake for 30-35 minutes, or until the cloves are soft when pressed.

5. Allow the garlic to cool slightly, and using a small knife, cut the skin around each clove. Use a cocktail fork or your fingers to pull or squeeze the roasted garlic cloves out of their skin.

6. Spread on Italian bread, mix in mashed potatoes, stir into sour cream, add to a thick sauce, use in marinade! Basically, eat it all up!

Garlic has a lot of health benefits, and eating it raw is the best way to extract the benefits from garlic (IE: garlic sauce a la middle eastern food!) Be careful though, and never store raw garlic in oil at room temperature as it is a PRIME breeding ground for botulism. Who knew?

vampyrical.

2008-09-18T06:40:00.000-07:00

Today, after eight months, i went and had my blood labs drawn for the first time after surgery.

I am sooooooooooo bad. So so so so so bad. And I know it! I should have gotten them done after six months, but nooooo, I procrastinated and waited EIGHT MONTHS!

Now, I have visions of severe malnourishment going on inside of me, or crazy mineral deficiencies that could have been taken care of eons ago.

Why am I broadcasting this for everyone to see? So I never do it again! I have rebuked myself sufficiently now. :)

I lost some weight.

2008-09-17T08:29:00.001-07:00

So, I had weight loss surgery about eight months ago. I did it because I was completely at a loss as to how I could go about losing over one hundred pounds...on my own. I was also pretty sure that if I didn't do something drastic, and important, and life altering, I would continue to gain weight. It was a trend I didn't see ending anytime soon.

I decided to have gastric bypass surgery and over a year later, I actually had the surgery. It was a long process from start to start. On January 15, 2007, I arrived in the early morning at Barix clinics in Ypsilanti Michigan to undergo Roux en Y, gastric bypass. I went under at about noon, and reemerged fully rerouted in the intestinal regions at about two. My mom and husband were there to see me through it, and let's not forget, the presence of God himself, comforting me along the way.

Today is just a nip over eight months out. On the day of surgery, I weighed 333 pounds. Today, I weigh 238 pounds. I've lost almost one hundred pounds in eight months. This, my friends, is unbelievable.

Some days I get greedy or annoyed that is hasn't been more, or that I have stalls, or that it hasn't been quicker. But that Lacy needs to be shut up and quickly, because I've never felt healthier, more energetic and happier to have a real life back.

I lost some weight, and I'm going to keep losing some weight, because I love how healthy feels and I hate how sick I was. And I was quite sick. And because I can't tell you how glorious it is to be back in the land of the living.

Here I am.

2008-09-02T11:02:00.000-07:00

I have had two blogs and consequently deleted two blogs in the last two years...

I think this is because I have adult ADD and I can't focus. I kid mostly, but maybe there is some truth to that.

I can't focus on one blog topic because there is so much loveliness and so many thoughts to be thunk, and sometimes I start to imagine that I have to choose just one thing, but this is my life and I'm not just about one thing. There are so many, many things to be about!

I'm 27, and I'm a receptionist. Not exactly where I thought I'd be ten years ago...but here I am none the less. I am married, and I'm happily married, after some tumultuous years. I'm trying to build a small business. Photography, actually, and though it's a slow start, it will someday soon materialize. My husband is a teacher and one of the best men I know. I have a blessed life, and some sweet sweet moments. I like to share what I love and what I learn. It's who I am. I'm a walking billboard for the good stuff in my life.

I'm a Christian, but faltering most days.

I hate first posts. What can you say except, "here I am!?"

So, here i am. again.